1000 Oceans
by Kristen R
Summary: An Angel POV fic from the night after Buffy left his office in


1000 Oceans   
By Kristen

**DISCLAIMER: **All the characters and locations belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. The song "1000 Oceans" belongs to Tori Amos. Basically I own nothing here, so don't sue!

**SPOILERS: **Buffy, Season 4 and Angel, Season 1 through "Pangs" & "I Will Remember You"

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This is an Angel POV fic that takes place the night after "I Will Remember You" ends.

* * *

I let her go again.

You would think that after so many good-byes, it would get easier. That somehow, over time, you would get used to the pain. But it never seems that way with us.

Every time I see her, it breaks my heart again.

To be honest, I had always wondered in the back of my mind whether or not Buffy truly loved me. After all, she is young. It's not uncommon for an infatuation to seem like true love when you're a teenager. Maybe part of her feelings for me stemmed from the drama of it all. Romeo and Juliet. Vampire and Slayer. Star crossed lovers.

Until yesterday.

I've never seen her look more beautiful than when she lay sleeping in my arms. She was so happy. So was I. And suddenly, I could see it so clearly. Yesterday was the day I discovered she truly did love me.

Or should I say today, since yesterday never happened?

Of all the cruel twists of fate, this one has to be the worst. The best day of my life never happened. I know that it was my choice but that doesn't make it any easier. It actually makes it more difficult.

I've tried hard to make something of myself. Doyle has shown me that I can help others, make amends for my past, be a man worthy of the second chance I have been given. In time, perhaps I can atone for the foolish, selfish man I used to be. The rash, impulsive jackass, who stepped into a deserted alley looking for adventure and came out a monster.

While I may be able to atone for that man, I haven't been able to banish him. He's still there. Under the surface. Coaxing me to give in. Forget what's right or wrong. Take what I want.

When time was turned back, during those seconds before the Mohra demon burst in again, I was at war with myself. It would have been so easy to let history repeat itself. Let the day turn out as it had before.

I would be human. Buffy would be by my side. No one would have ever known.

The man that I was 240 years ago would have done it. He would never have even asked the Oracles to turn back time.

The man that I was 4 years ago would have done it. He would have stayed human and tried to find happiness with Buffy.

But the man that I am now couldn't. Because of Buffy.

She taught me how to fight. Even when you didn't believe that you had a chance of winning. You fought anyway because there were some things worth fighting for. Worth dying for.

She is one of those things.

Her love changed me forever. And that change means we may never be together.

So I let her go again.

This time she was the one to walk away. While her voice echoed in my mind, telling me she would never forget, she sailed out of my office and out of my life. I suppose for good this time. I had hoped that there would be a part of her that would remember. Some shred of her soul that would know when she looked at me. But it wasn't meant to be.

Her future is ahead, shining brightly and full of promise. It's her time to test her wings. I'm her past, dimly recalled and best forgotten. I would have grounded her here with me. The memory of that day would have only held her back. I couldn't keep her from flying.

It hurts though. That she'll never know what it was like to kiss in the sunlight. Or make love on the kitchen table. Or feel my heart beat as she fell asleep beside me.

I suppose I should be glad that at least I have that memory to hold onto. The memory of being perfectly happy. And the certainty that I am loved. Even if nothing can ever come of it.

I keep telling myself that. The pain of remembering is better than the emptiness of not knowing. Perhaps if I say it enough times I'll start to believe it.

How many tears can you cry over the same heartbreak?

1,000 oceans it would seem.   


_ **1,000 Oceans**_   
_ by Tori Amos_

_ these tears i've cried_   
_ i've cried 1000 oceans_   
_ and if it seems i'm floating_   
_ in the darkness_   
_ well, i can't believe that i would keep_   
_ keep you from flying_   
_ and i would cry 1000 more if that's_   
_ what it takes to sail you home_   
_ sail you home sail you home_

_ i'm aware what the rules are_   
_ but you know that i will run_   
_ you know that i will follow you_   
_ over silbury hill through the solar field_   
_ you know that i wil follow you_

_ and if i find you...will you still remember_   
_ playing at trains_   
_ or does this little blue ball_   
_ just fade away_   
_ over silbury hill through the solar field_   
_ you know that i will follow you_   
_ i'm aware what the rules are_   
_ but you know that i will run_   
_ you know that i will follow you_

_ these tears i've cried_   
_ i've cried 1000 oceans_   
_ and if i'm floating_   
_ in the darkness_   
_ well, i can't believe that i would keep_   
_ keep you from flying_   
_ and i will cry 1000 more if that's_   
_ what it takes to sail you home_   
_ sail you home sail you home_


End file.
